Get a hold of me, while I let myself be
Don't let me escape
Help me make it through
Your door, won't you
I need help
Give me some
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Hold on it. Easy. Lock scanners.
Scanner's locked.
Activate autograph.
Autograph activated.
Watch him.
Careful.
Gene.
Aye, sir. We've got him.
Are we on full-magnoscope?
Yes, my commander.
Kill the automatic.
Sir?
Put it on manual. I want this baby myself.
It's all yours, commander.
Oh, I get so excited.
What? Go get him, commander.
Give me a countdown to ejection time.
12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.
That's it. Mission completed.
We've cleaned up all the trash in the Milky Way.
Now, put her on astrotrack and let's get out of here.
Let's go.
Good afternoon and welcome to the bicentennial of the founding of this space station known as Permawatt.
I want to thank you all. Ladies, gentlemen, humanoids, multiforms, polymorphopods, genunites, congwons, transpodulites.
As you know, I am Dr. Otto Palindole, superintendent-in-chief of Permawatt.
And if I may quote from the First Amendment to our confederation's declaration of unity,
you are all equally welcome here regardless of species, life system, echo mass or shape.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
On the other side of this trans panel, you can share in the serenity of our command center.
The operations room where those whom you have appointed to govern our system and its way of life
work tirelessly and calmly to preserve and maintain universal harmony.
Until now.
Quark, signing on.
To augment my official sanitation patrol reports, I have decided to keep a diary of my adventures.
Assume, of course, that I have any adventures.
First, my name is Adam Quark, commander of this ship.
Oh, sorry, old fella. Almost forgot. Ready for your dinner, old pal?
Okay, come on. Come on. Come and get it. Come on.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Come and get it. Come on.
Too tight, pal. Too tight.
Here's your dinner. Here's your dinner.
Good boy, Ergo. That's the way. Eat him up. Eat him up.
To continue, my crew, the second-in-command position is held jointly by Betty and Betty.
One of them is a clone, an artificial laboratory created identical twin of the other.
I'm extremely fond of Betty. If only I knew which Betty it was that I am extremely fond of.
Our chief engineer is a transmute, Gene, or as he or she is sometimes called, Gene.
Our research and equipment specialist is the eminent scientist, O.B. Mudd,
who lost an eye some years ago when he went to sleep for several hours while looking into his microscope.
In his spare time, he usually works on Andy, a servo-mechanical android that he is determined to perfect... someday.
I myself am just an ordinary human, air-breathing homo sapiens, descended from inhabitants of planet Earth, now abandoned.
Oh, Ergo. No wall. Down, Ergo. Down, Ergo. Good. Good boy.
My ancestors were members of a subgroup called Americans.
Archaeological diggings made in the western and southern sections of their country indicate that these so-called Americans
worshipped and perhaps were governed by a fully clothed, English-speaking mouse.
You've had your dinner, fella. Time for Betty now.
As our new orbit moves us toward Ursa Major in the M82 sector, I would like to close by saying...
I would like to close by saying... I would just like to close by saying...
Stop signing off.
Stay, Ergo. Stay. He's not gonna stay.
Thank you, Betty. Thank you, Betty. That's enough brushing off. That's enough brushing off. That's an order. That's an order.
All right. Let's get back to work.
Interface.
Give me the head, please.
Interface. Give me the head, please.
Interface. Give me the head, please.
I am not this. Interface, this is an emergency. Would you please hurry?
I've only got four hands, you know.
Yes. Oh, palindrome here, sir. Sorry to disturb you.
That's all right, palindrome. I was just, as usual, thinking.
Sir, we've got a bit of a headache down here.
Don't tell me about headaches, palindrome.
No, sir.
I wrote the book on headaches.
Yes, sir.
Just give me the facts.
An extraordinarily large explosion from the M82 sector seems to have propelled an enzyme cloud clear through Ursa Major's gravity field.
It's practically pure protein and it's metabolizing everything in its path, including gravity.
I suppose you're going to tell me this enzyme thing is going to hit us full on and turn us all into little bitty meson particles.
At about 1500 hours tomorrow. I'm sorry, sir. I know how you feel.
Can you imagine a migraine the size of a supernova?
No, sir.
Then you don't know how I feel.
All right. Have we got any ships in that sector?
Just one, sir.
Who's in command?
Adam Quark.
That's the worst news yet.
What cargo is he carrying?
200,000 tons of compressed space garbage.
Wonderful.
Quark's not totally inexperienced, sir. He did see active service during Sagittarius Rebellion.
Wasn't he captured by the enemy?
Yes, sir. By the Solonites.
Animated mildly intelligent vegetables.
Tubers, actually.
Quark was taken prisoner by a unit of dissident potatoes.
Sir, if Quark could move his ship into the center of that enzyme cloud and set off his own reactor system.
And create a nuclear implosion. Yes, it might work.
Of course it would mean certain death for everybody on board.
This is a tough one, palindrome. But as you know, one of the responsibilities of those in charge sometimes...
is to order the sacrifice of the few for the sake of the many.
Yes, sir.
Particularly when those in charge are among the many.
I'll see you below, Adam. Oh, yes, absolutely.
I'll see you below, Adam. Of course.
Have you finished the auto system checkout? Checkout completed. Power load is at maximum.
Good. Lunar and solar readings on full mesh. Good. Orbit program is locked in. Good.
And guess what? What?
I've almost finished my needlepoint.
It's lovely, isn't it, Doc?
Oh, boy. Request permission to speak to the commander. What is it?
Alone.
I know what I'm not wanting.
I'll see you below, Commander.
You ought to take it easy on Gene, Doc.
I don't like transmutes.
Transmutes are just like everyone else. Except, of course, for the fact that they have a full set of male and female chromosomes.
Would you let your brother or sister marry one?
Just tell me what's on your mind, Doc.
I'm requesting a transfer. I want to get away from the sanitation business. But I'm still young.
Look, Doc, I know how you feel, but we've got a job to do that's just as big and as important as any other.
Besides, where would you transfer to? We're 17 light years from the nearest space station.
Let me out. I'll walk.
Sir, Quark ship has moved into the perimeter of the enzyme cloud. We can't make normal voice contact.
Now, what do you suggest?
An emergency lasergram. I've already written one up, but I have to have your authority.
Get the interface operator.
Yes, sir.
Interface.
This is the head. I want to send an emergency lasergram to the M82 sector.
That's awfully far.
We know that interface.
That would be $422,000 for 10 words and $68,000 for each additional word. What is the message, please?
16 words.
Valingrome?
Well, we can cut deer.
Everything all right?
How's it going, Andy?
Everything is fine, Mankiew.
Mankiew?
You're Malcolm.
Yes, I see. And how do you feel?
I feel wonder. I feel wonder. I feel wonder. Full.
You're getting there.
Amanda.
What is it?
Look at this. We've got a spectrum rating that's gone right off the graph.
Something's coming this way. Something big. And it's not solid. It's emitting a totally varied wave cycle.
A totally varied wave cycle. Do you understand what that means?
What does it mean?
I wish I knew.
What would happen if it hit us?
At best, the ship would be anatomized and we'd all be turned into instant space jelly. Of course, that's looking on the bright side.
Isn't there a chance you could be mistaken?
Yes.
No.
Time to ingest. What's on the menu?
Special treat tonight, Commander. All your favorites. Heart-supplankton, hot space biscuits, puree of astrogerm, and moon-smells flambé.
What about a moistened agent?
Chateau Allio from the Great Bear Consolation, 2117.
Mmm. A great century for wine.
Ah. That's what I call ingestion.
Now we're all set for a nice long nap.
Commander Quark.
Yes, Gene.
How long do you want the cryogenopod autotimer set for?
Let's see. This is April 4th. Set them for full energy restoration on June 3rd.
Right.
At 7 a.m.
That early?
That's two months from now.
Well, that gal needs her beauty sleep.
I suppose you want to be tucked in?
You come near me, you'll end up looking for two patches. You got that, Mud?
All right. Knock it off.
Big bully.
What do you got, Doc?
Don't know yet. New sample findings. I want to look at them under the stethoscope.
I'm going to check the gyro channels before I turn in.
Good.
Oh.
What is it? See something?
No. Nothing at all. It's all black.
Other eye, Doc.
What? Oh. Yes.
My name is Andy. What is your name?
Please tell me your name.
I think you are very attractive.
Won't you speak to me?
Andy, no. Not that.
Come with me, Andy.
That is not a toy. It's the garbage control.
That is a very important piece of expensive machinery.
Yes, but isn't she cute?
What was that?
It's all right. Nothing to worry about.
What was that?
It's the big thing that's coming this way. It's creating a gravity warp.
Shouldn't we take evasive action?
It wouldn't do any good. It's faster than we are.
Give it to me straight, Doc. What would you do if you were me?
Packed.
Commander?
Yes, Betty.
Whatever happens, I'm proud to be sharing the experience with you.
Thank you, Betty.
You like me a little bit, don't you?
Oh, more than just a little bit.
More than her?
Well...
Because she's only a clone. I'm the real person.
She is not. It's not true.
Easy, Betty.
She was made from a cell that came from underneath my fingernail. Honest.
Yes, yes. Oh, I believe you.
Adam, I'm even prouder to be sharing this experience with you than she is.
Because, as someone once said, death is the greatest adventure, you know?
Sure, but you have to remember that whoever said it probably wasn't dead at the time.
What?
Coming.
Look, we must be inside the thing now.
If those hydrochemical readings are correct, it's as though we're being... digested.
By Jiminy, that's it. It's some kind of protein-hydrolyzing amino producer.
What does it mean?
I'm not quite sure. But it's got a nice ring to it.
Okay, I think we've got it.
Let's cut out the good luck. It seems superfluous anyway.
Interface, we've got it down to ten words.
It's a bad time.
What is the message, please?
Palindrome, I'll put the lasergram through.
You watch those command-table readouts and keep me informed.
I want to know if Quark makes it.
And if he doesn't?
Uh... lie.
Quark!
Don't you trouble us pressing the emergency!
Where's Andy?
If we drop that cargo, we'll be torn apart!
Don't leave me!
Andy!
I love you! I need you! I want you!
No! Stop! No! Andy, no!
You just dumped 200,000 tons of astro-trash and...
Look, Commander, it's that cloud of protein,
hydrolyzing it... whatever I said it was.
It's gone after the cargo.
It's having the feast of its life!
And moving in a completely different direction.
Away from our solar system.
Away from our civilization.
Away from everything we hold dear.
Mostly us.
Commander, it's an emergency lasergram!
From Permawan!
Quark, blow your reactor and save Galaxy.
Nice knowing you.
You know, if Andy hadn't dumped that load,
we would all be extremely dead.
We owe our lives to that.
We owe our lives to that plucky jumble of spare parts.
Good old Andy.
You're not gonna be just any ordinary servo mechanism.
I'm gonna program you to genius level.
You'll learn to think like we do.
We'll teach you to speak like we do.
And behave like we do.
In fact, Andy, when we get through with you,
you'll be just like us.
What do you think of that?
Let me out!
Let me out!
What happened?
I woke up and no one was around.
I was so frightened.
Won't you tell me what happened?
Get away from me.
Doc?
Please.
We had a little trouble back there, Gene,
but we straightened everything out.
In fact, we were probably responsible
for saving the entire Galaxy.
Yeah?
Well, it's a mess down below.
The load control box is in the middle of the cabin.
That is my fiance.
What's he babbling about?
Oh, nothing really.
Hey!
What's his fiance?
Are we talking about the load control box?
This load control box.
That robot is sick.
But it is romantic.
Permawant to Quark.
Permawant to Quark.
This is Quark.
Who?
Quark.
What?
This is Quark.
All right.
You don't have to yell.
Dr. Palindrome,
I have Commander Quark for you.
Quark, I have a message for you
and your crew from the head himself.
Yes, sir.
Congratulations for your superb work
in the face of indescribable danger.
A grateful Galaxy salutes you.
You are directed to proceed with your ship
to stellar quadrant seven
and look for signs of trouble.
Your permanent mission now is to scour the universe.
Hey!
Now we're going to see some action.
Oh, and Quark.
Yes, sir.
On your way to quadrant seven,
would you swing by the small cloud of Magellan?
They haven't had a pick-up there in two weeks
and there are space baggies everywhere.
All right.
You all heard that.
Let's start scouring the universe.
Andy, we owe this all to you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
All right, let's get this ship moving.
You know, Doc,
I really believe that some higher consciousness
that manipulates the infinite pattern of cause and effect
must have selected us to play this vital role.
At least that's one way of looking at it.
Or it's just pure dumb luck.
That's the other way.